Perishable

Status:
  • Complete
Content Rating:
  • R
Fandom(s):
NCIS, MCU

Relationship(s):
None, implied canon pairing

Warning(s):
  • Discussion - Murder
  • No Beta
  • Violence - Canon-Level
Genre(s):
  • Alternate Universe
  • Crack
  • Crossover
Word Count:
1,821

Author's Note:
Please pay attention to the warnings. There are some references to gore, but nothing on screen. This is my entry for the Writer's Table Thursday Vignettes for Nov 1st. I'm stashing these shorts here on Wild Hare until I figure out what I'm doing with them.

Summary:
Tony DiNozzo has a rough day at work and arrives home to find the cause of his rough day waiting for him.


Thursday Vignettes Forum. This story is for the November 1st prompt.

This is complete crack. I was working on something spooky and, well, this happened.

– – – –

Tony opened the door to his condo and knew immediately that someone else was within. He pulled his gun but spotted a tell-tale jacket draped over the back of a chair and rolled his eyes.

Ignoring his unexpected houseguest, who was literally perched on the dining table, he secured his sidearm in his lockbox lest he be tempted to shoot someone in the next five minutes. After divesting himself of his coat, tie, and shoes, he went back into the living room and stood in front of the intruder, hands on his hips.

β€œFingers. You sent me a box of severed fingers.” He clenched his jaw. β€œAt work!”

β€œToo much?”

Tony took a breath while counting to ten. β€œYou figured out who went after me last week and instead of telling me, you killed them?”

β€œOne of them might still be alive, hard to say since I’m not actually there. Because I’m here. As you can see. Besides, I’m all pardoned.”

β€œGah!” Tony threw up his hands. β€œYou got a pardon for your past deeds, provided you became an Avenger. You don’t have a pardon for future deeds!”

β€œI’m pretty sure I do.”

β€œNo, you don’t! And why would you send them to me at work?!”

β€œYou don’t like it when I send perishables to the house.”

β€œThat was a goldfish, not a perishable. And I was in Kuala Lumpur at the time, and the whole condo reeked when I got back three weeks later. You know what? I can’t even with you right now. My boss wanted to put me in protective custody!”

β€œOh.”

β€œAre you pouting? No, you do not get to pout when I’m the one who spent the day playing dumb about a box of fingers.”

β€œAre you saying I should have let it go because I’m pretty sure when my boyfriend gets kidnapped and beaten up that I’m allowed to take fingers.”

β€œI’m pretty sure you’re not. I’m a federal agent, I don’t get to indulge in revenge. And literally no one in this country is allowed to take fingers.”

β€œThat’s limiting.”

β€œAnd I’m not your boyfriend!”

β€œHarsh!”

β€œTruth! You have a girlfriend. Who I like! Who’d kick my ass if I so much as looked at yours.”

β€œNot true! She said we could totally bang whenever we want as long as she gets to watch. I’m not sure if she meant live or if I just have to record it for posterity.”

Tony’s mouth fell open. β€œVanessa said we could have sex? Never mind, just forget I asked.”

β€œShe also said she’s not at all averse to a threesome?”

β€œYou’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

β€œI would never! Well, I’d fuck you, but not kid about fucking you. Besides, have you seen you? You’re smokin’ hot. In the movie of your life, you’d totally be played by Michael Weatherly.”

β€œWhat?”

β€œToo much?”

β€œWade, there’s not going to be a TV show about my life. Please explain the threesome. I mean, the fingers! The fingers, the fingers! Why did you send me fingers?”

β€œBecause, I wanted you to know that if anyone ever hurts you, butternut, I’d totally take care of it.”

β€œI’m vetoing butternut. It’s an unacceptable nickname.”

β€œAren’t you paying attention? It’s an endearment.”

β€œIt’s not endearing.” He pointed at Wade. β€œThe fingers!”

β€œThey took you and I got all twisted up inside, thinking about them and all the touching. You barely let me touch you.”

β€œThat’s because you grab my ass.”

β€œYou have a great ass.”

β€œVanessa is gonna kill you. And then me.”

β€œNuh-uh. Not if I bring video evidence. Or just you. She’d be fine with you and then we can make the video. She’d love to be the director. And if you agree to the threesome, I’m totally calling dibs on using the strap-on on you first. I found you and groomed you, I get to peg you before her.”

β€œWade… There’s so much wrong with that. First off, you didn’t groom me.”

β€œI did so! When we met, you told me to fuck off, and now you’re considering letting me fuck you with a strap-on. I groomed the fuck out of that.”

β€œGrooming doesn’t mean what you think it means, Wade. It’s not a good term. Delete it from the memory bank. And…why the fuck do you need a strap-on? Is there something wrong with your dick?”

β€œYou’d let me fuck you with my dick? That’s amazing. I told you the grooming worked.”

β€œIt didn’t work because there was no grooming. Stop it!” Tony took a breath, praying for patience. β€œExplain the fingers!”

β€œI told you! I kept thinking about the touching! And then every time I fell asleep, I dreamt about just, like, hands. And sometimes there’d be this alien landscape and these moons, and then just these hands. Like floating there, taunting me, saying β€˜I hurt Tony.’ And I’d think about how those hands had been on my butternut, and they needed to be relieved of their hands!”

Tony groaned, wanting to beat his head against the table. β€œYou are stuck on why you did it, but I want to know why you mailed them to me? Am I going to get the rest of the hands tomorrow?”

β€œNah…I tossed the rest. You just can’t fit as much into a flat rate box as you used to.”

Tony’s laugh was bordering on hysterical. β€œOkay. Let me see if I’ve got this right. You were upset by my abduction and started dreaming about hands touching me—”

β€œNo, just hands. They were enormous, disembodied hands, but I knew where they’d been. And they probably hadn’t even washed.”

β€œEw. Wade, no one put hands anywhere on me that would require washing.”

β€œWashing is important.”

β€œYeah. Moving on. So you started having a nightmare about hands, so you tracked down the kidnappers that the FBI missed and relieved them of their hands, but the hands wouldn’t fit in a box, so you just sent the fingers.”

β€œMost of the fingers.”

β€œWell, that would explain why some of the sets were incomplete.”

β€œI kept all the ring fingers.”

β€œDare I ask why?”

β€œI don’t think we’re there in our relationship yet.”

β€œWe don’t have a relationship.”

β€œWe’re negotiating the use of strap-ons, we so have a relationship.”

Tony’s eye twitched. β€œWade, why at work?”

β€œBecause that’s where you are when the postal service is delivering, and after the fuss you made about the stink the last time I sent something to the house, it seemed prudent to send it to where you would be. You didn’t have to show anyone, though I’m glad you liked them well enough to share with others.”

β€œWade,” Tony said slowly, β€œI didn’t share them. The package was x-rayed, and the presence of human fingers means I was rounded up and held for my own protection while the FBI was called out to investigate the threat against a federal agent.”

β€œOh.” He scratched the back of his head, the mask barely moving. β€œAnd here I thought I was being like your fairy godmother, sending you parcels of good cheer. Like Helena Bonham-Carter only with a better ass.” He stood up on the table and looked back at his own ass. β€œI do have a better ass, don’t I?”

β€œDid you slip me some mushrooms?”

β€œI would never! Not without finishing our relationship negotiations first! Drugs are a critical part of the checklist.” He pointed to his butt. β€œIt’s better, right?”

β€œI’d say you have a one-track mind, but you really, really don’t. And it’s apples and oranges. I can’t compare your ass to hers.”

β€œYou are so tetchy. So you need two similar fruits…”

β€œThe fruit part is right.”

β€œWhat about that actor?”

β€œThat was specific.”

β€œThe Canadian one.”

β€œThere’s more than one actor in Canada.”

β€œI’m pretty sure there’s only one.”

β€œWade.”

β€œNo, that’s not his name.”

β€œWade!”

β€œFine! That Ryan Reynolds guy. I have a better ass, right?”

Tony sighed. β€œYes, Wade, you have a better ass than Ryan Reynolds.”

β€œYes! Okay, so, now that we’ve determined the superiority of my ass and that you don’t want perishables at home or at work, I think we should wrap up our fucking negotiations.”

β€œWe’re not having fucking negotiations because I’m mad at you.”

β€œYou’re mad at me?”

β€œYou sent me fingers!”

β€œYou keep saying that.”

β€œWade… Don’t you get that the FBI is investigating, and if they figure out it was you, you might go to jail.”

β€œNah, I have immunity.”

β€œNo, you don’t! Past deeds, Wade, past!”

β€œI’m pretty sure that’s not how that works. But if you’re so worried about it, why don’t you take Stark up on his offer to come be the handler for the team? Then we could work together and fuck whenever we wanted. Providing we get video for Vanessa. Ooh! We could livestream on lunch breaks.”

β€œWade. Stop sending me stuff. People are going to be looking at me funny for years.”

β€œThey look at you funny? Like bad funny?”

β€œOh my god! Do not remove anyone’s eyes! Don’t remove anyone’s anything. Stop removing anything attached to anyone else!”

β€œKilljoy.” Wade settled into a cross-legged position. β€œWould you just come home with me so we can have sex already?”

β€œLet me see if I can get this to sink in… My day included severed fingers. I am not having sex. At all. Because there were body parts in a box that I had to try to explain, and then I had to talk the feebs all damn day. I cannot stress enough how much of a hard-on killer those things are.”

Wade was silent for so long, Tony wondered what the fuck he was thinking. Not for the first time, he wished Wade would take his mask off more often. β€œI murdered your boner? That may be the most awful thing I’ve ever done.”

β€œI’m pretty sure it’s not.”

β€œAgree to disagree.”

β€œBefore we get into another round of strap-on bingo or you try to persuade me that you have immunity for future amputations, I am going to make dinner and have a huge glass of wine and try to forget.”

β€œDinner for two?”

β€œI’m a little peeved at you.”

β€œBut you said I was always welcome.”

β€œDon’t make me hurt you.”

β€œI’d love it if you’d hurt me.”

β€œGet Vanessa on the phone. On speakerphone. I want to hear this threesome business for myself.”

β€œOMG!”

β€œYou can’t verbalize an acronym!”

β€œI think I just did, so I obviously can. But after we talk to the boss lady, I can fuck you, right?”

β€œNo. I need at least five days between severed digits and fucking.”

Wade made a sound like a raspberry. β€œWe’ll wear you down! I’ll send you a sex video of me and Vanessa to help sway you to the dark side. That’s not at all perishable. What are the firewalls like at Homeland?”

β€œWade!”

– – – –

About Jilly James

Tony DiNozzo brand ambassador.

39 Comments

  1. Oh this was just fucking awesome.

  2. This made my day, thank you so much 🀣🀣

  3. In bed laughing like a loon… This was great!

  4. OMG! That was…was…. Brilliant! Hysterical! Crack but I sort of totally want it to be real! I do love Wade casting Michael Weatherly as Tony! BWAHHAHAHAAAAA! Just too good! I adore you. Thank you.

  5. This was so much awesome. πŸ™‚

  6. OMG, that was magnificent.

  7. LOL This made my day. Thanks hon.

  8. I needed that laugh today!! Thanks so much!

  9. It has been a shitty day, so I cannot tell you how much this improved it. Well, except for the cough/choke when I swallowed the wrong way while reading this. Tell Vanessa that I want a copy of that video!

  10. Way to capture Wade’s voice. Perfection. Absolute perfection. Thank you

  11. This really made my day! Thanks!

  12. Oh I am cackling like a mad thing and just totally loving this crack-y piece of beautification 🀩😍β™₯οΈπŸ€£πŸ’–πŸ’πŸ’•πŸ’—

  13. LOL πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†

  14. I love this. Pure Deadpool all the way. Great work.

  15. I made the mistake of drinking tea when I read this.
    OMG. LOL. You captured Wade completely.
    I’m going to be giggling about this for a while. Thanks for sharing.

  16. I’m speechless!!!! Mainly cause I laughed so hard!!!! Bravo πŸ‘

  17. That was great! And just what I needed after my shot day. Thanks for being you.

  18. I need the laugh this caused today.

  19. I so love Wade’s persistence regarding the strap on and Vanessa viewing demands, almost as much as I giggled at Tony admitting that Wade’s ass is better than Ryan Reynolds’. Both characters are spot on, and I shall continue to worship at your altar. Thanks so much!

  20. Loved this!

  21. LOL!!! So good.

  22. You see, it has bothered me for a while, and know I’m not the only liberal/humanist/socialist-type person who is also bothered, by how much I love Deadpool. I can’t even verbalize WHY I love Deadpool. But I do, with my whole elderly liberal/humanist/socialist heart. And this? This is pure Deadpool. And pure DiNozzo, too.

    Thank you.

  23. I cannot stop laughing!

  24. Still laughing.

  25. Frickin’ hilarious! This totally made my morning πŸ™‚ Thanks

  26. Oh .. My .. Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Cracktastic.

  27. This was fantastic! I love how well you captured Wade’s energy and voice. He’s so infuriating to the people who’re trying to get information out of him (but SO entertaining to those of us watching). Obviously I love Tony, and as always you are an excellent brand ambassador πŸ™‚
    Thanks so much for posting this (although apparently it’s been up awhile and I just missed it). Good luck with your 2019 writing projects! I’m looking forward to more of your beautiful work.

  28. OMG this is amazing!!!!!

  29. A delightfully cracky story. Well done.

  30. OMG! So much fun and giggles.

  31. Reading this at work… Now, everyone know I am nuts!
    Been laughing so hard, almost had an accident…

  32. LOL, thank you the smile on my face makes me look deranged

  33. Hahahaha! Thank you

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