Chapter Five: Getting to Know You, the Real You

Draco sat in his suites watching Blaise usher the other Slytherins out of his rooms so that he could have some time to talk to Harry. Draco was fairly sure that there would be a floo call happening with the girls to catch them up on the day’s events. Heading into his personal study, Draco found Harry sitting in front of the fireplace staring moodily into the flames. They had given both Dobby and Apollo the evening off so that the two could catch up. With Lucius giving Apollo permission to resume his mentorship of Dobby, the two House Elves had a lot to catch up on. Especially since Harry had made it known that he was open to promoting Dobby to a Personal Attendant House Elf, especially if it would help to save the smaller being’s life.

Therefore, Draco called Hera, his mother’s Personal Attendant House Elf, and requested that she bring them two tumblers of fire whiskey. Moving to sit in the chair next to Harry, Draco contemplated that if he had to be stuck doing the whole childhood thing again, at least his own House Elves had been ordered to bring them alcohol because Draco wasn’t sure he could survive puberty again without an occasional drink of something stronger than butterbeer. “We can contact the Dverger about getting protective amulets made for Dobby and Hedwig,” Draco offered out of the blue drawing Harry’s attention.

“That is if there aren’t any in the Potter Family Vaults, which it is highly possible that there are some. I  know that there are some in the Malfoy Vaults and I will be retrieving them for our House Elves and Archamedes my own owl. We should get you to the bank as soon as possible so that the Potter Will can be read and they can do a line test on you. We should also consider walking you through completing the familiar bond with Hedwig so that she can be with you at school and not stuck in the owlery. I feel like there are a thousand things that we need to go over, but I don’t know where to start. We are both fucked up in the head from doing this the first time, and now we need to do it all over again. Tell me what you need from me.”

“I don’t know,” Harry finally said after a long pause. Draco watched as Harry took a sip from his whiskey before the other man turned his attention to Draco. “Over the years, I’ve pondered things I would do differently if I had the chance. Now that I do, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to prioritize things.”

“Prioritizing your tasks is always a good idea, but sometimes it can be too much as well. What is the first thing that you want to do right off the top of your head? Don’t think about importance. Just tell me one or two things that you want the most.”

“I want to hug Sirius and I want to go shopping,” Harry said softly rubbing his hands over his face. “But  I can’t hug Sirius because he’s still in Azkaban, and shopping seems frivolous given everything that we have to do.”

“I think that people underestimate how much looking good can do for a person,” Draco murmured softly. “Merlin knows that you have more than enough money to do so. I say we have mother or father take you to Gringotts tomorrow. We can floo into their private entrance so that we have a better chance of keeping our visit quiet. While we are there we can register our intention to bond with the Dverger, which will prevent Dumbledore from being able to interfere with it. It will also afford us the rights to go see each other in the other’s common room once we are back at Hogwarts. That is if one of us doesn’t get resorted, which… Honestly, Potter, I think it’s a good possibility that you will get resorted.”

Harry nodded his agreement before responding. “The hat wanted to put me in Slytherin originally, but I argued with it. I don’t think I will if it wants to resort me again. I don’t know as returning to Gryffindor will help me in any way. The friends I made there, I feel like I would have been friends with them regardless, and to be honest, that house was very fickle when it came to its alliance to me over the years. Whenever I did the slightest thing that they didn’t like, it feels like they turned my back on my. Although, would it be any different in Slytherin? I know the perception that everyone else has of the house, but I don’t know the reality of it.”

Draco  huffed and took a sip of his own drink as he pondered the question. “I think that people misunderstand the houses, and make horrible assumptions about all of them. Take Luna for instance, who is someone that I think we both know well and is from a house separate from both of ours. She is certainly loyal and brave. I remember how she stood up to the Carrows in the first timeline, and she was always deeply loyal to both you and Longbottom, but honestly was also loyal to me because of our family connection.

“I know that ambitious is not the first thing that people would think of when it comes to her, but given what she accomplished after the war, I would date anyone that there wasn’t any ambition involved in her goals. You don’t become one of the worlds youngest foremost experts on magical creatures and beings without some ambition and cunning. Yes, it is her intelligence that is her strongest trait, and the reason, or one of the reasons, why she was put in Ravenclaw, but she very much has traits that imbody all of the other houses. So, to answer your question, yes you would have been better off when it came to loyalty if you were in Slytherin. At least with my yearmates.

“I know people think that my circle was just all bullies, but to be fair, we were all just trying to do the best with what we had. I would dare anyone to try and prove that the Thunder was not loyal to each other as long as we were able to be, and honestly it was only Crabbe that really broke there at the end, but he was mostly bonkers and brainwashed by his father and the other Death Eaters. The real Vincent Crabbe was a much different boy than the man he was becoming before his death.”

“I think we were all much different people in the beginning than the people we became at the end,” Harry murmured softly before calling for Hera and asking for some tea as he finished his whiskey. “I would say the friendship that you built with Hermione after the war proves that we would have all been much different people had we been allowed to be ourselves in our childhood and not forced to be people that we weren’t. I keep trying to come to grips with the notion that Ron won’t be able to be part of my life anymore, and I just… It’s difficult. I know that there were quite a few times when he was a right prat and abandoned me when I needed him the most, but there were also times when he was the one who stood next to me when I needed him. I am struggling with trying to imagine just abandoning him.”

“Who says you have to abandon him?” Draco asked confused cocking his head to one side and then listened as Harry relayed the conversation that he’d had with his mother about Ron. When he was done, Draco pondered what she was saying as he tried to separate his personal feelings about the youngest Weasley boy from Harry’s right to be friends with whomever he wished.

“I don’t think abandon is the right word,” Draco finally said once he was ready to offer his opinion. “I just think that, maybe he isn’t as good a friend to you to be considered your best mate. I know what people assume about us Slytherins, but I can tell you that the Thunder would never be as fickle to me as Ron was to you many times throughout our years at Hogwarts. The whole parseltongue in second year, the Triwizard tournament in fourth year, and from what Hermione told me the abandoning you during your mission during seventh year are just the three that I am aware of. So, maybe he isn’t best mate material, to me it feels like that position should be given to Granger, but that doesn’t mean that you have to abandon your friendship altogether.”

Draco paused to take note of Harry’s reaction thus far before continuing and was happy that the other boy seemed to be listening. “Also, no one has the right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with and how closely of a friendship that you should or should not have with anyone. If you decide that you are going to ride or die with Ronald Weasley, then that is your right and as your mate I will support you in that. At the same time though, I will not tolerate disrespect to you, to myself, to my friends or my family from him or anyone else. I would like to think that I am much more mature at thirteen now than I was the first time, and I think there is something to be said about the whole with age comes wisdom thing.

“You and I and even father are in weird positions with this time travel and father’s decision to not keep it a complete secret, but instead to be open about it to those that need to know. Father at least is still an adult, while you and I are stuck with the knowledge of adults in the bodies of children while trying to save the world. I think that there are certain things that the two of us need to come to an agreement about now, but there are also quite a few things that the two of us will need to work out as the time goes. I would recommend to you that you be open with Granger about the time travel, and I am sure father would be willing to let her see one of the copies of his interaction with your father.

“As far as Ron goes, maybe you should just keep an open mind about the whole thing. I agree that you would be doing your friendship a grave injustice by just abandoning him now without any ill deed in his part. The other thing to keep in mind is that most of the things the two of you have been through together have not happened, and may not happen in this timeline. It’s almost as if your friendship has been reset partially. So, you can’t judge him in this timeline by the things he did to you or with you in the previous timeline.”

Harry nodded after offering a sigh as he took a sip of the water that Hera had left for them. “And Sirius?”

“Well, father and mother are working to get him released as soon as possible. So, hopefully we can be open with him. We will certainly do our best to make sure that there is not a repeat of fifth year this time around. I mean, father certainly will not be there fighting with Voldemort, and maybe we should retrieve the prophecy as soon as possible to prevent the whole thing. It’s something to consider at any rate. We also I think should consider making sure that he gets some mind healing immediately upon release and I think that you and I should stay out of the interactions between the various adults.

“Things with them will be different this time as well with Snape and Remus being in a relationship and everyone getting cleansed. I would say that Sirius was most likely another victim of Dumbledore’s evil mechanisms and needs to be cleansed even before he undergoes the mind healing. Hopefully they can all at least be civil to each other, but I think us children should mainly worry about our interactions with each other and let the adults fend for themselves. Is there anything else that comes to mind that you want that we have not discussed?”

“Hermione,” Harry said quickly, and Draco gave a quick nod. “Except that I think that she is already in France and won’t be back until after my birthday. I just… I wish one of my friends was around.”

“Can I make a suggestion?”

When Harry nodded quickly, Draco offered his thoughts. “What about Longbottom and my cousin Luna? I know that they are not the Golden Trio, but I think that they were good friends to you even after the war and I think that the three of you could do each other good by strengthening your friendship earlier this time around. If nothing else, Luna is my cousin, and I want to make sure that she is better protected this time, and Neville could use all of our assistance in coming out of his shell. Father has already talked to his Grandmother about getting him a new wand.”

“Oh thank Merlin,” Harry muttered then gave Draco a nod of acknowledgement. “That is a good idea. I think that one of the things I need to do this time around is strengthen my friendships with people who are not Ron and Hermione. No matter what happens between the three of us, I think I did my other friends a disservice last time in not being a better friend to them. I also… I am going to have to distance myself from Dumbledore, but I don’t know how to do that without outright going head to head with him?”

Draco pondered the relationship with Harry and Dumbledore, again trying to separate his own feelings from the equation. “I don’t know as I will be any better help with Dumbledore than I was with Ronald. To be honest, I believe firmly that the true Dark Lord in all of this was Dumbledore, the supposed leader of the light. That is not to say that Grindelwald and Riddle were not evil megalomaniac motherfuckers, but I think that Dumbledore had a hand in the creation of both and by Riddle I honestly think his actions were intentional. I think he wanted to create a second Dark Lord for himself to defeat to cement his legacy, an didn’t give two  shites who got hurt along the way. You alone are a prime example of that, in my opinion. So, while I am not sure that you need to openly declare war on him, I don’t know as you need to pander to his ego either.”

Harry nodded and Draco saw him watching him and stayed quiet let his mate work through whatever was going on in his head. “I think the suggestion you gave me about Ron, the whole a lot of things that we did together haven’t even happened yet and may not this time around, can be said for you and I as well. I mean really, all that has happened between us was the incident with Neville’s remeberall and the handshake snub first year, and then the dual and the whole Heir of Slytherin shite that you encouraged second year. None of that though are things that are unforgivable. You haven’t even called Hermione a mudblood yet at this point, and to be honest I don’t recall you using that slur a lot in school. Again, I think people’s perception is that you used it all of the time, but I don’t actually remember you doing it.”

“Sev was so mad at me after that incident,” Draco admitted remembering that day. “And to be honest, I never figured out why that word came out of my mouth. I mean, for all the blood purity shite that I repeated of my  father’s I never used that word because Severus hated it. It’s an ugly word, and by then most of us within my year in Slytherin had begun to question the things our parents were trying to teach us about blood purity. A lot of the time the things we said were just to piss people off and less because we actually believed them. I know that Pansy regretted suggesting that we send you to Riddle there during the battle right up to the day I got sent back.”

“She was scared,” Harry said dismissively. “A lot of us were scared, and she like you had been basically forced to act, talk, and think a certain way. I don’t begrudge her that moment, and haven’t for quite a long time. So, going back to us, there really isn’t a lot to work through that happened up to this point. I feel like the worst was that handshake snub, and I have never really understood why it upset you so much.”

“Which just proves what I have believed for ages, in that you were never educated as you should have been on Magical Britain Society and its customs. You are the Heir to the House of Potter and I am the Heir to the House of Malfoy at the very least. My ill thought remarks about the Weasley’s aside, by refusing to shake my hand in such a public situation was basically a public sign of your House snubbing my House. You basically declared our Houses enemies by your actions, which I did not take well. As Heirs to our Houses we have to be careful how we act, especially when it comes to other Heirs or the Lords and Ladies of other Houses. The things that we do can hold much more serious consequences than just a snubbing between two children.”

“I didn’t know that,” Harry admitted before scowling and glaring at the fire again. “I didn’t know any of that. No one ever bothered to tell me the things I was doing so wrong, not even after the war. They didn’t even tell me that I could still claim my Lordship over the House of Potter. I thought that it was too late, and after what we did at Gringotts, that the Goblins would never give it to me.”

“First off, it’s Dverger,” Draco corrected harshly then forced himself to calm down reminding himself that Potter most likely didn’t know that word was a wizard created slur. “Never call them Goblins. It’s a horrid wizard created slur against them and a gross name. Secondly, the Dverger have no right to withhold something from you that is yours. Can they make it difficult for you? Of course they can, and after what you did there should have been monetary consequences for your actions, but to be frank, you have more than enough funds in the Potter Vaults alone to pay whatever fines they levy against you three times over and not break a sweat financially. As for you not knowing, it is becoming apparent to me that we have a great deal more to teach you than I suspected and I thought we would have to teach you a lot. So, we will set up a list of things that it is vital that you learn. Etiquette, wizarding customs, the basics of wizarding law and the wizengamot, and the basics on the magical beings you will interact with the most like House Elves, Dverger and Veela. When we get you to  Gringotts we will make sure that you start off on a good foot, and since we already know about the Horcrux, we will talk with Ragnuk to inform him that the bank is being used to hide such dark magic. He will be incensed enough that he will take care of at least the cup himself and get the horcrux removed and the cup cleaned and returned to the House of Hufflepuff.”

Draco considered Harry’s plans to ignore the first timeline and frowned deciding that he didn’t like the idea. “I understand where you are going with the whole ignoring the original timeline because it hasn’t happened here, but I don’t think that I completely agree. I would like to say that at the very least I would wish to offer a basic apology for all the horrible things I did to you and said to you about you and your family. I do like the idea of starting off fresh, but I think we need to at least make sure the other understands there is genuine remorse between us for the things we did to each other so that we can start fresh without the past timeline hanging over our heads like a drunken hippogriff about to land on our heads.”

Harry snorted and eyed him obviously amused. “You really don’t like magical creatures do you?”

Draco sighed and thanked Hera when she popped in to take his tumbler and bring him some tea. “Most of them scare the shite out of me unless they’re like dragons or snakes or cute little kneazles and crups. Father’s wolfhounds are a magical breed that aren’t too bad and I have gotten used to them. Other than that though a lot of them really do scare me, mostly because I know how dangerous they really are, and I don’t really think that Hagrid grasps the danger he’s posing to uneducated children by constantly putting dangerous beasts in our paths.”

“Buckbeak would have been fine if you hadn’t been rude to him,” Harry observed with a smile and Draco couldn’t help but scowl.

“I was rude because firstly I had a role to play, and second I was scared shitless. It wasn’t the first time I had been attacked by a hippogriff. One attacked me as a small child because it didn’t think I was respectful enough, and it damn near took my arm off. So, needless to say I wasn’t pleased to be forced to interact with another, and it wasn’t like I could tell Hagrid. He fully bought into Dumbledore’s belief that Slyutherins are all evil mini Dark Lords and would never have listened.”

“I’d like to say you are wrong, but I know that you aren’t,” Harry admitted with a sigh. “Maybe if we can get him better educated this time around, he could do something other than being a Professor. I mean, Hagrid was the first magical person I ever met, and he means a lot to me, but as an adult, even if it’s in a child’s body, I can admit that he was a horrible teacher. His idea of acceptable creatures to introduce children to was sadly lacking.”

“It’s too bad that Charlie Weasley isn’t further along in his training, I feel like he would have been a perfect teacher for that class,” Draco mused and wrinkled his nose when Harry looked at him wide eyed with obvious surprise.

“What? It isn’t like I hate all Weasleys! Once I started thinking for myself I realized that the twins, or at least George, was wickedly awesome, and I got to know Bill a little which made me wish I could have become a Curse Breaker. Percy was not nearly the prat that his brothers made him out to be, and I hope that we can do something about that this time around.”

Harry hummed and Draco assumed that he was contemplating Percy by the response that followed. “I think that Percy was a victim of being too Slytherin like in a house that detested Slytherins. I know people always say that the twins could have been Slytherins, but I don’t think they are the only ones. I think that Percy would actually have been much better off in Slytherin or Ravenclaw, but probably forced his way into Gryffindor so as not to upset Molly.”

“That’s so wrong. If more people from supposed light families would let themselves be sorted into Slytherin then we could correct our reputation. Of course, people shouldn’t be able to talk the hat into putting them somewhere other than where the hat wants to place them, but that is a different discussion. And then there’s the fact that being sorted into a certain house shouldn’t be life ending. The houses were never meant to be like that, but people have made it thus, mostly because of Dumbledore and his anti-Slytherin mindset.”

“For what it’s worth then I apologize as well for all of the things that I did to you and people never acknowledge. I know that everyone likes to assume that our feud was all you, but I think that you and I know differently. It was as much instigated by me as it was you and Ron certainly didn’t help. Looking back, I think that the thing I regret the most about my friendship with him is allowing him to influence my thoughts on other people based on stupid things like who their parents are or what House they were sorted into at Hogwarts. Also, you have a point about my friendship with him and maybe taking a step back but not ending it completely is the way to go. Although, if I do get  sorted into Slytherin I wouldn’t be surprised if he just decides on his own to end things between us. I have no doubt that there will be a rage of anger and a lot of bullshite spewed from him that I am not sure I want to ignore this time around.”

When Harry signed deeply, Draco studied his mate frowning concerned at the tired expression on his face. “The bottom line is though that I need something this time around that I don’t have to fight for and battle people to keep. I think that despite what other people will think that I need this bond between us and to know that no matter what happens in the end I will have you, even if I lose everyone else. I will absolutely not be willing to sacrifice myself this time around. I have too much to live for, and to be honest, I am not sure I believe Dumbledore’s rhetoric that I was a living horocrux.”

“Nagini was a living horcrux,” Draco pointed out as he nodded his thanks to Hera who popped in to gather their cups and glasses. “From my understanding from Granger, there is a vast difference between you and her. Nagini was a crime against magic even before Riddle made her into a living horocrux. Granger and I discussed the situation in depth one evening and she was unable to convince me that it was a Dark Curse connecting you and Riddle and not a horocrux. The two things are similar enough, and Dumbledore is so ignorant when it comes to anything dark magic that I am not sure he would know the difference between the two. As someone who was raised and highly educated on dark magic though I can assure you that there is a huge difference. That being that you can be connected to Riddle with various dark curses and it even be accidental and it not be a horocrux, which requires you to have a shard of his soul in you and would cause vastly more serious issues for you than just horrible visions.”

“How do we know for sure?” Harry asked leaning forward and Draco unconsciously copied him.

“We talk to the Dverger, and the longer that the to do list of things to talk to them about gets, the more urgent I think it is that we go and see them tomorrow. We’ll get the Potter Will read, get you a line test, have your curse scar checked, have you check the book of souls, and then check your vaults for protection amulets.”

“that’s quite the list,” Harry pointed out, and Draco shrugged.

“But a necessary one. So, maybe we should say our goodnights so that we can get started early. I don’t know about you, but I have zero interest in spending all of my day in the bank.”

“Agreed,” Harry said as he stood and stopped in front of Draco’s chair to look down at him. “Thank you. For not just rescuing me today, but for tonight as well. I do feel better now than I did earlier. I will see you in the morning, and hopefully by this time tomorrow, everyone will know that the Houses of Malfoy and Potter are united.”

“I look forward to it,” Draco said genuinely before wishing his mate a good night. As he watched Harry leave the room, Draco couldn’t help but let himself ponder who much different things would be now that the two of them were working together instead of against each other, and just where everyone around them would fall.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Severus Snape woke up from what he wished were only a nightmare, and knew he’d never make it to the bathroom in time. Barely having time to untangle himself from Remus, Snape leaned over the bedside so that at least the vomit would not ruin the bedding. He was still dry heaving when he felt Remus’ hand begin rubbing his back and heard him call out for Poseidon the House Elf assigned to Severus when he visited Malfoy Manor.

Almost immediately, the small being popped in wearing an all black outfit and a colorful tie and he watched as the sickness was vanished and a cup of what smelled like peppermint tea appeared on the bedside. “What else dos the Masters Lupin and Snape need from Poseidon?”

“I need you to go get Lord and Lady Malfoy and tell them that it is urgent,” Snape croaked, his voice sore and horse from the stomach acid he had just puked up. Immediately, the house elf popped away and Snape let Remus help him roll onto his back.

“Severus, what happened? Are you sick besides your stomach?” Remus asked obviously concerned and Snape shook his head rolling his trembling body into his mate’s wishing and hoping and praying that he would not lose the other man now when he found out what he had been a part of.

“I’m sorry,” Snape said as his mind continued to process the memory that he wished were a mere nightmare. “Don’t leave me.”

“I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.” Remus swore as the door to the room opened as Lucius and Narcissa hurried in.

“Don’t say things that you can’t promise,” Snape argued as he struggled to sit up and eventually let Remus assist with. “After you hear what I have done, there is no way you will want to be with me.”

“You forget that I know your past, Severus,” Remus said softly and calmly as Lucius and Naricssa approached the bed.

“You don’t know this,”Snape argued before turning his attention to Lucius.

“You said that there weren’t enough bodies.”

“When?” Lucius asked his brow furrowed and Snape guessed that he was trying to remember what his friend was talking about.

“When the McKinnon house was attacked. You were there in the aftermath and told me later that there weren’t enough bodies.”

“Oh, correct. There seemed to be one missing, but a living member of the family never surfaced. So, I assumed that I just missed someone when I was counting.”

“You didn’t,” Severus said gravely as his hands twisted together tightly and painfully. “There was one missing. Marlene, the youngest that was in my year at Hogwarts. She.. oh God. I’m sorry.”

“Severus,” Narcissa started as she moved to perch on the side of the bed and drew Snape’s attention to her by placing a hand on his forearm. “Just tell us what you have remembered. We knew that there was something because James Potter warned us. Tell us what it is and we will deal with it.”

“Dumbledore wanted more voting seats within the Wizengamot,” Snape said his voice still gravely from having been sick. “In addition to that he didn’t want to lose the power of one of the founders houses in his voting block, but Marlene was set to take up the Ravenclaw seat as she for some reason believed that she was that heir. So, he came up with this plot. He had me brew a de-aging potion that he planned on giving to Marlene. Only it was a little above my abilities at that time. I was still within my apprentiship under Slughorn at the time.

“So, when Horace saw that I was struggling with a potion he came to investigate and somehow figured out what I was trying to brew. He immediately went to Dumbledore saying that he was going to cancel my apprentiship and make sure that no one else would pick me up. Dumbledore though wasn’t going to let Slughorn stand in his way though. So, he cast the Imperius Curse on him and forced him to assist me. Then when he was done, Dumbledore took the potion and oblivated Slughorn and convinced him to retire.

“That evening, he sent a message to Marlene asking her to meet with him saying that it was an urgent matter to deal with the war. Once she was there, he tricked her into taking the potion, and then oblivated her completely so that she would have no memory of her previous life. The potion took her all the way back to being nearly a newborn babe. He then took her to some muggle family that he knew wanted a babe, but didn’t want a magical one for some reason.

“Dumbledore lied to them and said that the babe was a squib and would never develop her magical core. I don’t know if something in what he did was supposed to have made her a squib or if he just planned to deal with it later once she became of age. Regardless, the next day he told me I needed to convince the Dark Lord to kill the entire McKinnon family, which as you know I did. I… Oh God.”

“Who is she?” Narcissa asked gently as she continued to run her hand up and down Snape’s arm as Remus rubbed his back. “Do you know?”

Snape nodded offering a shudder as his already pale face, paled further. “She is the smartest witch of her age, just as she was the first time. Dumbledore was less than pleased to see her back on the Hogwarts listing, but I convinced him that as some random muggleborn she would be no risk to anyone. Who knew that she would become one of the best friends to the Boy Who Lived.”

“Oh, Merlin help us,” Lucius swore drawing everyone’s attention to his face. “You are talking about Granger, the Gryffindor witch in Draco’s year. You’re saying that Hermione Granger is really Marlene McKinnon, and is the Heir to Ravenclaw. I’d say that it just became more important than ever to get Harry to get in touch with his friend. Eventually, Dumbledore will decide that he needs to just get rid of her this time around. We cannot let that happen. To get a founders house reopened and within our influence… We must save Hermione Granger.”

“I love you,” Remus whispered leaning forward and resting his cheek against Snape’s. “It isn’t your fault. I remember what James said. We’ll fix this and right what was done to her as much as we can. Do not blame yourself.”

Snape sighed and as Lucius and Narcissa cleared out, saying they would talk about it more in the morning once Draco and Harry were awake so that they could get their input, Severus lay back down at Remus’ urging. He couldn’t help but hold his mate close to him until eventually Severus lay awake listening to the werewolf breath, and wondered if he’d ever be able to forgive himself for the things that he did while under others’ influence.